Keeping Secrets

“Michelle Anderson.” The receptionist called.

 

I got up and followed her to the back where Dr. Martin’s office was. She was sitting behind her desk looking through some paperwork. When she noticed that I had entered her office she stacked the papers and stood up to greet me.

 

“How are you today Michelle?” She asked as she extended her hand for a shake.

 

“I am good Dr. Martin.” I replied as I shook her hand and made my way over to the comfortable couch.

 

“So how are things going with you? Are you happy? No regrets?”

 

“Nope. No regrets at all. I feel great. I feel free. I am living my life and everything is going good. I have a great job and great friends.”

 

“That’s great.” She replied. “How are your parents?” She asked.

 

“My mother is great. We just had lunch yesterday and she is supposed to come over to the house tomorrow to bring me some clothing that she has outgrown. My father of course is the same. He refuses to speak to me or even mention that I exist. He said he no longer has a child. My mother told me that he wrote me out of his will and all of his other personal finances.” I replied sadly.

 

“How does that make you feel?”

 

“It hurts but it is what it is. I can’t change who I am and I won’t beg him to accept me if he won’t. If he doesn’t want to acknowledge that he has a child, then it is his lost. I’m done with it. I just want to live my life in peace and be happy.”

 

She continued to ask me questions and I answered them honestly. Then it came to the part of the session that I always dreaded. When she asked me about my love life. I was currently dating a guy I met about a year ago. Things were great between us. I even think that I am in love with him. After having my surgery, I sustained from sex because I was afraid of it not feeling good and I thought that something would happen and the guy would find out that I was born a male. I was very paranoid for a long time until I met Jason. He was the first man that I ever had sex with as a woman and he did things to me that I couldn’t explain. He knew everything there was to know about me except for this one little thing. I am afraid to tell him because I don’t want to lose him.

 

I met Jason at the gym. We both were trying to get the same treadmill since there was only one left unoccupied. He decided to let me take the treadmill and he went on to something else. When I finished, I went looking to find him to let him know that it was now free and I found him doing jumping jacks. His body was glistening with sweat and I couldn’t help but lick my lips. He caught me staring at him and he grinned. He asked me to join him and I did. We worked out together for the remainder of our time at the gym and we exchanged numbers before we left. We went out to dinner the next week and we have been inseparable ever since. We moved in with each other 2 months ago and I love having him there with me. We do everything together and we also leave time for us to do our own thing without us being up under each other all the time. Our relationship is so perfect I know that telling him will ruin the magic that we have.

 

“so Michelle have you talked to Jason yet?” Dr. Martin asked.

 

“No but I’m going to soon.” I answered.

 

“But Michelle you have been saying that for 6 months now and you still haven’t done it yet. You have to tell him.”

 

“I know. I know. I am going to tell him. I just need more time.”

 

“How much more time do you need Michelle. You need to tell him yourself because you don’t want him finding out from anyone else.” She replied with a look of concern on her face.

 

“I know.” I sighed as tears slowly began to trickle down my face. “I’m just afraid he is going to leave me once he finds out. I love him and I want to be with him.” I sobbed into my hands.

 

“I know this is hard for you Michelle but it isn’t fair to him for you to be keeping this secret. You should let him make the decision whether he wants to be with you once he knows the truth. You don’t want to take that right away from him, do you?” She asked as she came over to the couch and wrapped her arms around me to comfort me.

 

“No I don’t.” I said still sobbing.

 

“It is better if you tell him. If he doesn’t want to be with you after he knows then it will just have to be that way but you can’t make that kind of decision for someone. What will be your excuse if he wants to have children?” Dr. Martin asked.

 

“I don’t know. I thought I’d have the answer if we ever got to that point.” I answered sniffling and wiping away my tears.

 

“Michelle I’m not trying to tell you what to do in your relationship but I just think it would be better if you were honest with him and tell him the truth. Like I said you don’t want him hearing about this from someone else. It will make the situation worse. You should’ve told him from the beginning but since you are already a year in it is better later than never.” Dr. Martin advised as she rubbed my back and continued to comfort me.

 

We talked for another 15 minutes or so and then she announced that our time was up. I went ahead and scheduled my next appointment and walked down the hall to the exit. Once I left Dr. Martin’s office I stopped at the gym. I worked out for about 2 hours and then I headed home. When I got into the apartment there were candles lit everywhere and there was a trail of rose pedals leading down the hall to our bedroom. I followed the trail with a huge smile on my face. Jason was such the romantic type of guy. He loved doing things like this for me. When I opened the door to our bedroom I found Jason lying back on the bed with his hands behind his head. He was naked as the day he was born. He was such a sexy specimen of a man. His dark chocolate skin gleamed from what I assumed must be baby oil. His body was so amazing because he worked out 6 days a week. I just loved looking at him and all his scrumptiousness.

 

“So are you going to just stand there and stare at me?” He asked with a smirk on his face.

 

“Um um um. I was just admiring the view.” I said as I made my way to the bed.

 

I sat down on the bed next to where Jason lay and he grabbed me and pulled me on top of him.

 

“Let go of me I’m sweaty!” I giggled squirming to get away from him.

 

“It’s ok baby I’m going to make you even sweatier he said as he began kissing me.

 

His kisses always did something to me. I immediately melted into his embrace as I felt myself becoming aroused. Jason slid me to the side of him and began to undress me. He stared down at me as he peeled away every stitch of my clothing. Once I was naked he spread my legs and started kissing between my thighs. I let out soft moans of pleasure as I felt his lips graze my lower lips as he began to tease me.

 

“Please Jason.” I begged as I pushed his head so that he could please me the way I liked.

 

He obliged and began licking and sucking on my pearl. Jason was such a master at oral sex it didn’t take long for me to have my first orgasm. We continued making love until we were both drained. We tried all different types of positions and once we were done my body was sore. We got into the spooning position and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

 

******

 

The next morning, I got up and fixed us breakfast. Jason had to work today so I wanted to make sure that he was well fed before he left. I scrambled some eggs, fried some bacon and made some grits. I also popped some bread in the toaster for toast and poured us some orange juice. By the time Jason got out of the shower breakfast was ready. He walked into the kitchen and gave me a kiss on the lips. I made his plate of food and sat it at the table where he had sat. We talked over breakfast and made plans to go out to dinner later that night. I was off today since it was Saturday so I thought that I would go and visit my best friends Megan and Sharon. It had been a while since we had a chance to hang out and have a girl’s day so I was looking forward to it. Jason kissed me goodbye as he walked out of the door on his way to work. I went into our bedroom and threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I slipped my feet into some Nike slides as I brushed my hair into a ponytail. I grabbed my keys off the end table in the living room and headed out the door.

 

“Hey Shelly girl!” Sharon and Megan both yelled out as I pulled up to Megan’s house.

 

“Hey chickas!” I called back as I parked my car, got out and walked towards the porch where they both were sitting.

 

“I see since you got you a man you can’t hang with your girl’s no more.” Megan teased grinning at me.

 

“It’s nothing like that. Y’all know Jason don’t mind me hanging out. I just been busy.” I said laughing.

 

“Mhmm.” Sharon said giving me a hug as I sat next to them.

 

We talked and chatted for a while joking and laughing about old times. We sat outside for about an hour before we made our way into Megan’s house. We sat all day catching up on each other’s lives and snacking on junk food. Sharon was dating some dude who had a baby mama from hell who was causing havoc on their relationship and Megan couldn’t get her stocker ex to leave her alone.

 

“Girl Shelly you seem to be the only one out of us who don’t have no man drama.” Megan stated.

 

“I know right.” Sharon said laughing.

 

“Yeah me and Jason good. He is the one for me I think.” I said getting hearts in my eyes.

 

“Awwww! Look at this chicka all in love.” Megan said joining in the laughter.

 

“Yeah I am in love with him and he loves me too.” I said as sadness slowly crept into my voice.

 

“What’s wrong?” Sharon asked noticing the change in my mood.

 

“Dr. Martin thinks that I should tell Jason.” I answered.

 

“Oh.” Megan replied. “Are you going to?” She asked.

 

“I want to but I’m scared that once he finds out he won’t want to be with me anymore.”

 

“But you are a woman and you always were.” Sharon inserted.

 

“I know but y’all know how society views people like me. They don’t care anything about that. I was born a male and I was surgically changed into a woman. No matter what I feel they don’t see me as a real woman.”

 

“Well I say if he can’t accept you for who you are then maybe he isn’t the man for you.” Megan chimed in.

 

“Dr. Martin says that I should give him that opportunity to decide if he still wants to be with me but I know once he knows he will not want me anymore. The only thing he will hear is that I used to be a man.” I said as tears started to slide down my face.

 

I was hurting and torn about this situation. I know that Dr. martin is right but I also know what the outcome will be if I tell Jason the truth. My friends sat there trying to comfort me as I continued to cry.

 

“What should I do?” I asked them.

 

“I think you shouldn’t say anything.” Megan said.

 

“I think you should tell him.” Sharon put her opinion in. “Even though it will probably hurt you to do so it is the right thing to do. You have to put yourself in Jason’s shoes. What if there was something about him he was holding back from you? How would you feel about that? Before you make a decision about something like that you need to think hard and long about whether you are willing to deal with the consequences if someone else tells him. It will be better coming from you.” Sharon advised giving me a big hug.

 

“Ok Sharon I will think about it. I understand what you and Dr. martin are saying. Whatever happens I guess I just have to deal with it.” I said with resignation.

 

I stayed there talking with my friends a little longer and then when I saw what time it was I told them that I had to leave to get ready for my dinner date with Jason. We all hugged and kissed and promised to get together again soon. As I drove home I replayed the conversation again in my head and then I decided that the best thing for me to do was tell Jason the truth. I pulled into my parking space and walked into the apartment. I took a quick shower and put on a black wrap around dress with black wedges. I pulled my hair back into a bun at the back of my head and secured it with a silver barrette. I put on my silver jewelry and added just a touch of makeup to my face. I grabbed my clutch purse and keys and made my way back out the door. I got to the restaurant an hour later because I got caught in 5 o’clock traffic. When I entered the restaurant, my stomach began to do back flips. I was so nervous that my palms were starting to sweat a little. I spotted Jason sitting at a table in the center of the restaurant and I couldn’t help but admire how handsome he was. I loved that man so much and I was so broken up that I was keeping a secret from him…

© 2016, Blaque Diamond. All rights reserved.

One thought on “Keeping Secrets”